


forgive me, i feel like a monster

by WelcomeToTheBadlands



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Ghosts, Alternate Universe - Spirits, F/M, Ghost Ben Solo, Ghost Kylo Ren, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Loneliness, Mutual Pining, Necromancer Rey, Resurrection, Rey Needs A Hug
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-28
Updated: 2019-10-29
Packaged: 2021-01-04 22:44:09
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,562
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21205298
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WelcomeToTheBadlands/pseuds/WelcomeToTheBadlands
Summary: Sometimes, Ben wondered if his uncle had told him the right person to go to when he said that he was looking for a way to get back to the mortal realm. But then he saw, things. It started after the first Halloween night that he had been there, trying to figure out a way to contact her. She had locked the four locks on her door, and then took out a bag of salt and made a line that sealed off the door and the window right next to it. He watched her stumble, and then curse, and he saw it. As the air turned chilly and blood began to drip from her arm. She didn’t seem alarmed in the slightest, even when people started to show up in her house. People without faces, people missing limbs, people that were desperate to talk to her. She merely went to the kitchen, took out a big bottle of wine, and started to chug. At some point, she passed out, and Ben found himself standing above her as spirits started to cry in agony. “The selfish bitch won’t wake up,” An older man said. Ben knelt down beside her, a hand wavering over the hair in her face.





	1. i've been watching you, for some time

There is a routine that Rey sticks to almost religiously. That is the first thing that Ben learns about her in the afterlife. She gets up, drinks her coffee nearly black, picks up a book and sits in the same place and reads for hours. Then she finally would get up to eat something, go to work, and then come home and cry until she downed some alcohol and fell asleep. Sometimes, Ben wondered if his uncle had told him the right person to go to when he said that he was looking for a way to get back to the mortal realm. But then he saw, things. It started after the first Halloween night that he had been there, trying to figure out a way to contact her. She had locked the four locks on her door, and then took out a bag of salt and made a line that sealed off the door and the window right next to it. He watched her stumble, and then curse, and he saw it. As the air turned chilly and blood began to drip from her arm. She didn’t seem alarmed in the slightest, even when people started to show up in her house. People without faces, people missing limbs, people that were desperate to talk to her. She merely went to the kitchen, took out a big bottle of wine, and started to chug. At some point, she passed out, and Ben found himself standing above her as spirits started to cry in agony. “The selfish bitch won’t wake up,” An older man said. Ben knelt down beside her, a hand wavering over the hair in her face. 

“Leave her alone,” He said, “there’s something troubling her.” No one just drinks that much alcohol to fall asleep unless there was something that was making them hurt. Ben knew, he had been there. Part of him was pained of seeing the anguish of this extremely lonely girl who went throughout her day not even talking whenever he saw her. 

He never saw her speak. 

One day, a spirit manages to elicit some sort of response out of her. “I swear to  _ fucking Lucifer,  _ if you keep pestering me Dave, I will make sure you never cross onto the mortal plane again!” All the spirits chatter when she said this. They are disappointed, talking of how they need her to perform their resurrections, other necromancers aren’t as good as keeping souls intact. Ben just stays silent, staring at the tears that slip down her cheeks as she clutches her head in her hands. 

“Will everyone just shut up?” He said, a little louder than intended. All the spirits around her stopped, and her head shot up. She looked around, but didn’t find where he was. He couldn’t see her. Ben couldn’t get all the way onto the mortal plane yet. She smiled sadly when she didn’t see him. 

“Thank you,” She whispered as the spirits moved out of the way. “Thank you.” 

Maybe one day, he would be able to talk to her and not get these random bursts of energy that would make her able to hear him. 

Maybe one day. 

_

He had gotten used to watching her sleep. She barely ever breathed when she did, which Ben found alarming. He sat at the edge of her bed, and soon spirits would not go around her while he was there. Her sleeping was still troubled, but she didn’t wake up twelve times a night anymore. Right now, he wondered what she was dreaming about, or if she was dreaming at all. He wished that he could ask her. 

He stared at the room, watched the shadows on the wall creep and warp into different shapes as they got closer and closer to her, stopping when Ben didn’t move or flinch. “She’s sleeping, let her sleep.” The shadows slithered into nothingness, and Ben felt relief. 

She didn’t deserve the torment that she was given regularly. 

Ben hoped that he wasn’t a part of it. Rey shot up in her bed and Ben was ready to start apologizing for being there, but she didn’t see him. She stared at her room, shivering, and then turned to the spot where he had been sitting. With one hand, she reached forward, and for a second Ben remembered what it was like to feel warm. Her hand passed through him like he was made of smoke and nothing else. 

She went back to sleep after that, and Ben watched her, because that was all that he could do. 

It wasn’t until the third Halloween that he was dead that he almost forgot that he was dead. He felt like he was full of electricity. He could  _ feel  _ the floor beneath him, his shoes made a solid thud on the hardwood floor, and he could feel the fan above him. 

He hadn’t felt like this close to alive, ever. And then he passed through a wall, remembering bitterly that he was in fact, dead. Ben listened to the sound of something shattering and a sharp — ‘Oh, fuck!’. Ben turned to the kitchen to see Rey picking up a mug that she had dropped that had shattered all over the floor. For a while he hid, and just watched her. When she was done and had poured herself a new mug of coffee and sat down, he decided to slowly approach her. This time, she stared straight at him. “I’ve never seen you before,” It’s said with only a hint of malice, but mostly just curiosity. Or at least, he hopes it’s curiosity. 

“I—” 

“Let me guess, you want a resurrection.” She knew that already. “I’m not going to resurrect you, Ben.” 

“You know my name?” 

“I do,” She said, “ever since I felt you on my bed that night. There were faint whispers of a spirit there, you got stronger.” She looked back down at her book and Ben stood there awkwardly, not really knowing what to do. 

“I’ve been wanting to talk to you for a long time,” He said. 

“And I commend you for not lashing out waiting to break through the veil, that’s perhaps why you didn’t break through sooner. The veil usually only bends for violence.” 

“I didn’t want to hurt you.” Rey took a sip of her coffee and glanced back up at him. 

“Okay, I’m still not going to resurrect you.” She said. 

“My uncle said that you were the best and—” 

“Oh, who’s your uncle?” 

“Luke Skywalker.” It was that that seemed to silence her for a few minutes before she put her book down. “He said that he watched you bring back a child that had died from an allergic reaction hours earlier. That you resurrected his dog and didn’t turn evil like so many other necromancer jobs do. That you’re talented.” 

“There’s a difference between powerful and talented, Ben. And the magic I’ve… I was born with. It corrupts and it hurts and it’s an awful darkness. I don’t want to use it, so I don’t.” Ben nodded, knowing full well that this girl didn’t owe him anything. She didn’t have to resurrect him if she didn’t want to. 

“Okay,” He said. 

“Okay?” 

“I won’t try and convince you to do anything that you don’t want to do.”

“Well thank you,” She said, “in that, you are better than most other spirits that frequent my house.” 

He pursed his lips and nodded, turning to leave the room and give her her privacy. Her voice stopped him. “Er, Ben?” He turned again. 

“Yes?” 

“I can do one thing for you, if you wish to roam a bit more, have a bit more freedom in the mortal realm.” 

“You can?” 

“Yes, I can tether you to the mortal realm more. Make something, a talisman of sorts, a center of power for you. You’d be able to do a little more, move things, that sort of stuff. You’d also be able to talk to me more often, in case the company of spirits isn’t quite doing it for you.” 

“I would like that,” He said. 

“Okay then,” Rey grimaced, and Ben felt bad that she perhaps felt obligated to do that in the first place. “I can do at least that.” 

_

She did exactly what she promised, and when the next day came around, Ben felt the exact same as he did on Halloween. He felt good. He was in the kitchen when Rey walked in, her hair done up in three buns. She looked tired. She didn’t speak to him at all at first, getting coffee and going to her usual spot. After an hour of reading her book, she said, “You gonna talk first or do you want me to start the conversation?” He cringed a little, although he wasn’t sure why. 

“I wasn’t sure if you wanted to talk so early in the morning,” 

“Well, thank you for waiting a bit before you made me have to socialize.” That made Ben remember one of the things he wanted to ask her. Why did she never have any friends over? He decided that since he barely knew her, he should wait to ask that question. 

“You have an odd sleep schedule,” 

“I know,” 

“Have you ever thought of moving out of this house?” Rey laughed at that. “Perhaps spirits would not annoy you so much and you could get some much needed rest.” 

“Spirits follow me everywhere, Ben.” She said softly, taking another sip of her almost black coffee. “Been that way ever since I was a kid.” There was more silence between them, except this time her intense hazel eyes were just focused on him. 

“I’m sorry,” He said, “it must be a heavy burden to bare.” 

“It is,” She sighed, “and I wish that I didn’t have it, it would make a lot easier not to be able to do what I do. Alas, life was never meant to be easy for anyone, was it?” 

“No,” Ben wanted to tell her how he knew how she lived, that for so long he had felt so bad because she lived in such a way that he once had. But he felt as if that was not his place right now. 

_

Rey was something. 

Ben wasn’t sure what. 

He watched as she cooked herself dinner, ate only a little of her meal, and then headed straight for the wine. “You don’t need to do that.” Ben said. 

She froze before she could even open the bottle. 

“What do you want?” Her voice sounded dark. 

“I know why you do that,” He told her, “and you don’t have to. I can… I can protect you from other spirits.” 

“You don’t need to do that,” Rey nearly whispered. 

“What if I want to?” 

Rey didn’t answer to that. “I’m not hungry anymore,” 

“Then perhaps you should wrap everything up so that it won’t go bad.” Rey nodded, taking his advice. She regarded him quietly before mumbling something about going to bed. 


	2. Loneliness

_ Black wax melted and bubbled in an almost frothy like movement, forming in the shape of a circle. A seal was marked into the circle of wax upon the letter. It was dusted with a golden paint and sent on its way. A black rose—enshrined in gold—was the official crest of Kira Ren, rumored to be one of the only necromancers to escape Salem. She, rumoured to be the reincarnation of Lilith by overzealous Christians, was killed but a year after she sired a child. _

_ People say that the next reincarnation of Kira walks the Earth today, and that the darkness is waiting to claim her. _

_ 

When Rey woke up, the first thing she heard was soft crying. The fuzzy blanket fell from her and she realized just how cold the room was. Her breath came out in a little bit of a cloud, the window had frosted over, and it was so dark in her room that she could barely see a thing. “Ben?” She called out. “Is that you?” 

Then she saw him, in the fetal position in the corner of her room. “Hey,” She called. “Ben, speak to me.” 

“Sorry, did I wake you?” His voice was shaky, almost as quiet as the wind. 

“Yes,” She said, “are you okay?” 

“Yes, sorry. Go back to sleep. Sorry.” Rey got up and gathered her blanket around her, sitting down in the corner of the room with him. 

“Tell me what’s wrong,” He stared at her, the hollow eyes of a spirit that was all too sad. 

“I don’t know, so much, so much… I …” 

“Often, when spirits do not speak of how they have died, they can get very sad. Spirits who have not moved completely to the afterlife or have unfinished business tend to have very heavy and dramatic versions of emotions. Talking might make you feel better.” She tightened the blanket around her. “You can talk to me. I will listen.” 

“I don’t want to burden you, I’m sorry.” 

“Stop saying sorry,” She said, “just talk.” He searched her eyes for a long minute, and then he spoke. 

“I — there are circumstances about my death — that I really regret.” Rey nodded, she knew a lot of deaths like that. Most spirits had done things before their death that might have indirectly caused them to die, a lot of them young, just like the man in front of her. Although he looked almost like a boy right now. “I comitted suicide,” Rey’s breath caught a little. She didn’t know why, she had dealt with many suicides before. “And uhm… I didn’t want my mother to find me when I did so I hid, took a bunch of pills, but then I… I…” His voice caught and the words died in his mouth. 

“You regretted it?” Rey suggested.

“Yes,” Rey was quiet for a long time, before she reached out and touched him. Actually put her hand on his shoulder, and for a second it actually stayed. He stopped crying. 

“How did you do that?” 

“I— I usually can’t,” She said, “but I wanted to.” Another long bout of silence, and Rey felt the pain in her heart deepen as she stared at this sad, lost spirit. 

“I can help you,” She said, “get your body back.” He stared at her, possibly confused as to why she was agreeing to this when she told him that she would not fulfill his earlier request. “It will not be an easy thing, and will require a lot from the both of us, but I will help you get your life back, as long as you promise me that you will not throw it away again. Okay?” 

“Okay,” He said, “okay.” 

“Now I have to get some sleep,” She said, “but I will help you.” 

“Rey—” 

“Don’t say it—” 

“Thank you,” 

“Don’t thank me yet,” 

_

_ “There is something wrong with her,” Phasma said, “she sees things, you can tell.” Luke sighed, knowing full well that one day that people would notice things that were different about Rey. _

_ “She’s a talented paramedic, I don’t see—” There was much more to it then the fact that she was a talented paramedic, she could do a lot more than that. Luke knew for a fact that he was the only person that she had ever told about her secret. He was the only person that had ever believed her and not ever called her crazy either. _

_ “I think that she needs to get tested,” _

_ “For what?” Luke scoffed. _

_ “Schizophrenia, she shows the same signs that my mother did.” The blonde smiled sadly. “I quite like Rey, Luke, but if this job is affecting her negatively and she can’t get help, you need to let her go. Or I will go to your higher ups and have them let her go instead.” _

_

Ben watched Rey wake up and not go straight for coffee. Instead, she picked up a bottle of salt that she had kept next the coffee machine, turned around and walked into the living room. Ben followed her, wondering what was going on. He wondered how she could live in this house. Dark manifestations lived everywhere. Demons, spirits. He wasn’t sure that he could stand this dreadful place much either. Rey didn’t decorate. It looked much like a model home that was being shown off to a visitor would look, the only evidence of her living there being a misplaced mug, food in the fridge, and tousled sheets in her bedroom. 

Ben wondered why her house was like this as he followed, and watch her through a glass bottle full of salt at the head of a creature that had been sitting in her living room. A second later, it left, the glass and salt that had made it hiss gone with it. “I fucking hate demons,” She sighed, turning back around. 

“Sorry, that doesn’t happen that often. But god, demons are annoying.” 

“Did you just get a demon to flee by throwing a bottle at it?” 

“A bottle of salt, demons don’t like salt.” 

“Yeah, but still… I thought demons were supposed to be more… intimidating?” She gave him a look and went back to her kitchen to start her coffee. 

“Demons are intimidating,” She said, “but I’ve known a lot of them by the time I turned three, so I guess that I’ve gotten used to having to deal with them,” She took a deep breath in and turned the coffee pot on. “So, Ben… you’re Luke’s nephew?” 

“Yes,” He knew that she was changing the subject. 

“And he remembered me...in the afterlife?” 

“Yes,” 

A small pang of sadness hit Rey, something that she would ward off later with some stronger alcohol. “But he hasn’t come to visit me,” 

“He moved on to the next life,” Ben told her. 

“Oh,” She sighed, a little bit disappointed. She should have known that Luke would move on quickly, if not immediately. He wanted to see his wife, Mara. He wanted to see his friend, Han Solo. They had had a lot conversations about that. He had begged her to resurrect Han Solo. She told him no. That was the last fight the two of them had before Luke had died, she never got to apologize to him for at least letting him see his best friend one last time. “What did you hear about him?” 

“Just the stuff that I’ve already told you. How did you know about him?” 

“He used to work with me.” She said. That was all she told him. The two of them didn’t speak for the rest of the day. 

_

_ “I have seen something of the future,” Lady Ren spoke at a grave of a man long past. “A woman that looks far too like me, things are weird and everything looks cold and metal. She shares the same pain that I do. Loneliness, I don’t want my further heirs to be lonely as I am.” _

_ “They won’t.” A faint voice promises. “They won’t, sweetheart. I promise.” _

___

Ben wondered how Rey could stay so still sometimes, she would be reading her book, and Ben would get lost in just watching her. She looked like she was in a painting, lost in the words of whatever she was reading. “You know,” Rey said, “if you’re bored I can turn the TV on for you.” 

“You have a TV?” 

“Yeah, in the living room.” 

“How come you never use it?” 

“I watched most of Netflix already, so… you want the TV turned on?” 

“I was just wondering… when are we going to start the resurrection process?” Rey rolled her eyes and closed her book. 

“Ben, do you know what I’m reading right now?” He shifted over to the table to see what she was reading. 

“All I see is Latin,” 

“I’m brushing up on incantations, the resurrection process has already started.” 

“Oh,” 

“You want to watch Netflix now?” 

“Yeah, sure.” 

“I’ve watched everything on Netflix, just in case you need a recommendation.” Ben gave her a look and she rolled her eyes. “What? Don’t judge.” 

“I’m not judging,” He said, “I just… there’s a lot of stuff on Netflix.” 

“A lot of it not great stuff, to be honest.” Perhaps he was concerned about how much time Rey had on her hands. Whatever, she didn’t care. It wasn’t like she had a place to work or people that actually cared about her. Not anymore. 

“Um, can we watch Friends?” Rey picked up her remote. 

“You didn’t strike me as a ‘Friends’ kind of guy,” 

“I haven’t watched it since I was alive.” That was all the explanation she needed. She put on the Pilot episode and was going to get up to go back to reading when he said, “Where are you going?” 

“Back to my spot,” 

“Oh,” 

“Do you want me to stay here?” 

“Only if you want to,” He said, “but if you want — we can — we can talk, you know?” Rey almost smiled at that. Almost. 

“If that’s what you want, Ben.” 

“If you have something else—” Rey rolled her eyes and sat back down. She watched the spirit smile at her tentatively, and she felt a little warm inside. She wasn’t sure how to feel about that. 


End file.
